Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to play Jack Burton in Big Trouble In Little China Remake

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has apparently been negotiating to produce a remake of John Carpenter’s classic Big Trouble In Little China, as well as take on the leading role of Jack Burton. (Notice I said “a remake” and not “the remake” as I have given up assuming someone else isn’t going to remake it again in six years.)

Immediately the internet is already mass groaning about this but since there’s nothing anyone can do to stop the remaking of cult classics we may as well hope for the best that Hollywood doesn’t totally ruin it. But given this A-list professional who acted as a wrestler before wrestling with acting will most likely be pinning down Jack Burton for a three count, I am flooded with a dire premonition. You see, Jack Burton is described as “A side kick who’s so clueless he thinks he’s the star” and Kurt Russell played this well in Jack’s development. He may be the face on the movie poster but he’s actually a mascot character, not a star. Much like Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) with Fast Times At Ridgemont High and Tripper (Bill Murray) with Meatballs. They are really a small part of a much larger group that goes through the story together.

But Dwayne Johnson can’t play a side kick. It’s not that he can’t “play the role of a side kick”, it’s that he is not allowed to be a side kick. Take G.I. Joe: Retaliation for instance. G.I. Joe originally had no real leads or stars, even in the first movie The Rise Of Cobra the story bounces from character to character in an attempt to include as many as they could. But once The Rock hit the scene they couldn’t let him share the screen and killed off the entire cast, both Joes and Cobra, instantly turning the film into just another Dwayne Johnson movie instead of a G.I. Joe sequel. It happened on Fast and Furious as he and Vin Diesel fight each other for screen time. This is probably the reason he has yet to appear in an Expendables. Every film he’s ever in revolves around him…. and I fear that’s what is going to happen here.

So before any script is publicized I want to make some predictions and after the movie hits theaters, return to this article and see what hit and what missed.

• Jack Burton is going to roll in to town on the Rockchop Express and after a friendly game of cards with his friend Wang, some guys in red turbines will sneak in and slaughter the entire cast who would have otherwise formed the crack team of martial arts experts that helped Jack infiltrate the palace.
• He will form a game plan with Wang and Egg Shen to rescue Gracie Law (If they don’t change her name). Egg Shen will be mortally wounded so he can’t fight, cutting it down to just him and Wang.
• The Three Storms will look more like paramilitary soldiers instead of ancient Chinese demi-Gods.
• Eventually Wang and him will get separated and Jack will single handed take out the Three Storms and David Lo Pan in a fiery explosion that he narrowly escapes with the girls. Along the way he will reunite with Wang and make it to safety.
• As the smoke clears Egg Shen turns out to be making a good recovery with just a flesh wound.
• Jack hits the road driving into the sunset with Gracie instead of kissing her goodby.
• There will be a final jump scare when the yeti-type monster jumps at him from the back of his truck, which he quickly kills with another witty one-liner.