I was approached by the good folks at Man Crates, the world’s only male-oriented subscription box that comes in a real wooden crate that must be pried open with a crowbar, about what would be the perfect Man Crate to survive a horror movie. Well, I gave it some thought. Here’s what I came up with.
1. Kandarian-to-English dictionary
Don’t you just hate it when you are under siege by a horde of slobbering, overtalkative deadites and your Kandarian fluency fails you when it comes time to banish them to the nether-realms from whence they sprung? Well, avoid all of those embarrassing Niktu/Necktie mistakes with the handy Kandarian-to-English dictionary, the best companion piece to the Necronomicon Ex Mortis!
2. The Samaritan
For when it absolutely, positively, just has to die, nothing says “overkill” like the Samaritan from Hellboy. With the metal of the gun forged from Irish church bells, cold iron from crucifixes, and blessed silver, the wood handle made from the cross of Jesus, and firing shells as big around as your thumb packed with holy water, garlic, and white oak, there is not much that is living, dead, or undead that is going to get shot by this and get back up. Of course, it’s rumored to have a kick powerful enough to snap a normal human’s arm, so… user beware?
3. Portable Car Battery Charger
You’ve seen it hundreds of times: car batteries choose the exact moment that a masked whacko or bloodthirsty monster is about to kill you to fail. It’s like they know. Well, with this handy battery charger, you can pop the hood, start the battery charging, then run around (trying) to evade your attacker for another few minutes while it does it job.
Because swords don’t run out of ammo. Also, ninjas use them. Little known fact: a single ninja can kill 3492 zombies. That’s science, people!
Congratulations! You were being pursued by a killer and, instead of running out the front door, you ran up the stairs! Good job, you dumbass! But it’s ok, with this handy-dandy rope, your idiotic blunder need not be your demise. Just smash out a window and let yourself down to the ground.
6. Satellite Phone
It there is one thing you can be sure of, it’s that when the shit hits the fan your cell phone is going to have no bars. Seriously, what’s with that? But never fear, we have motherfucking satellites! Yes, with this sat-phone, you can make a phone call from literally anywhere that is not a lead lined box or similar. Middle of the woods? Check. Deserted island? You got it! Desert in the middle of freakin’ no where? Not a problem!
Last and most important?
7. A Hymen
Sorry, fellow dudes. But even with the best equipment out there, we still have an 80% chance of being biologically doomed. Can’t be the final girl when, well, you aren’t a girl. And if you are a girl, you’d better be a virgin or you’re probably toast too.
Have an item you want to add to the list? Yell it out in the comments! And be sure to check out Man Crate and all their awesome gifts for men!
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