Review: “Big Trouble in Little China” + BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

This Review contains major SPOILERS

This is the one I have been itching to do. I love this movie more than anyone could possibly image, from a personal nostalgia and fan boy perspective I think this movie is flawless but let’s talk about it…

Directed by the master of horror, John Carpenter, Big Trouble in Little China follows Kurt Russell & Dennis Dunn (Jack & Wang) as they try to breach a heavily guarded underground lair to rescue Wang’s kidnapped girlfriend before she is forced to marry David Lopan to break a 10,000 year old curse.

I know this script word for word because I have seen this movie over 500 times (no exaggeration) and it is my favorite movie of all time. (Yes, even more so than The Dark Knight, personal preference).

Don’t judge! I am not saying this is the best movie ever made because it probably wouldn’t be in the top 50 but for personal taste it dominates the number 1 position for me.

The 80’s vibe of this movie is perfect. I love California, Chinese inspired things, the 80’s and the rain. For some reason this movie has a lot of rain scenes, I just adore what the movie does.

I can watch this movie in any mood, anytime, anywhere. I would even go as far to say I am obsessed. I think the underground lair of Lopan which lies beneath the Wing Kong Import Export Trading Company is just amazing. Anyway, let’s talk about this epic movie that dominated my VHS player for many of my childhood years…

The movie starts to kick off pretty quickly when Maio Yin is kidnapped from the airport by a gang who I assume traffics women. The chase begins and then the story is temporarily diverted as Jack and Wang go to a known alley where the gang hangs out and get stuck in the middle of a war between the (as Jack calls them) Yellow Turbans and Lopan’s army. Shortly after we are introduced to the 3 storms before Wang can’t explain what the fuck is going on anymore and tells Jack to get the hell out of the alley. They then bump into Lopan and drive straight through him…

Yes he has a blinding light coming from his mouth and eyes. Some people think this is completely ridiculous and I can somewhat agree but it also works and doesn’t feel the slightest bit out of place in this mystical magical world you’re starting to realize exists.

After they run off Wang bumps into the gang that kidnapped his girlfriend, then runs off (despite being able to smash the fuck out of 10 assassins which he proves later). I didn’t think that was what he would of done but I guess after seeing 3 flying ninjas throw boomerangs into people’s chests and Lopan close by they just didn’t want to hang around.

We then end up with Jack and Wang escaping the alley and surrounding buildings, ending up at Wang’s uncle’s restaurant where Eddie explains that Maio Yin has been sold to the White Tiger.

They try to rescue her but she is kidnapped by Lopan’s 3 storms (the mercenaries). Why she was tied up in a private room instead of whored out is still a mystery; there was no reason for it but that evil Chinese bitch soon got her karma when lightning blew the roof off and shot 10,000 volts up her ass and sent her flying through a door!

Just a point here… Jack Burton’s face when he punches Rain twice and he just looks at him: Priceless.

Next step is to break into Lopan’s lair… Yes just Jack & Wang, against an army of assassins, the 3 storms and Lopan himself, the guys they ran away from 20 minutes ago. I’m not hating though. They slide past security telling them they’re here to fix the phone (yes Jack has a telephone in his hand if their story wasn’t convincing enough). So stupid it’s brilliant and again: It works.

They get captured and meet the 10,000 year old Lopan; the script between Lopan and Jack is just fucking gold. Jack Burton is just so likable and the script will definitely make you giggle because Jack is so naive to any of these legends being true.

I would love an underground lair like that and I would quite happily live there for 10,000 years and never come back to society.

They then get placed in a holding cell. Escape from their wheelchairs. They ambush Thunder and Thunder gets Jack off his back by pumping his chest out; Jack rolls backwards down a hill in a wheelchair until he nearly falls down a well. Let’s not talk about that anymore. It is a brilliantly funny scene though.

They then escape the Wing Kong building and Lopan’s lair fighting through the assassins, female ninja chicks and running from Thunder and his buddies whilst saving all the hostages and swimming through a tunnel. Egg Shen picks them up and they’re off.

Next step: Breaking into Lopan’s lair again with Egg Shen and some back up. There’s an awesome underground journey to Lopan’s lair, and then they break into his office and take Egg Shen’s magic potion. Who wouldn’t want some of that shit?

“Do things no one else can do, see things no one else can see.”

The big final battle starts with the lovable Jack Burton raising his gun to the sky and letting off a few shots. Little did he know he would knock himself out by shooting rocks out of the ceiling. Amazing.

The big battle starts with epic fighting everywhere. I always wanted a sword and the ability to do 50 ft summersaults after seeing Rain and Wang fight. This whole fight sequence in the main room is just epic 80’s. They then follow Lopan up to his office and Wang and Jack take on Thunder. Wang gets a kick and then runs off leaving Jack to use his magic potion to throw, catch, and re-throw a knife through Lopan’s head. No complaints there: Looked good and worked.

Thunder then returns and good fucking god, disaster strikes this movie. Although it doesn’t feel to out of place for the movie’s silliness and tone it is a fucking train-wreck. Watching Thunder get so upset he blows himself up (and you see what can only be described as farmer’s fruit and veg fly out into the corridor) and then a pile of rocks cover the path of Jack, Wang, and the two girls.

Now for my favorite scene of the movie…

The score doesn’t have any lyrics but when it starts all you can image is: We’ve killed them all, we are home free, then here we fucking go!

Trapped in a corridor with no exit, Lightning walks around the corner slowly and Jack says, “We got a problem.” Everything is done to perfection for what this movie is going for. It’s just beyond epic. The heroes that have been through so much are trapped with what seems an undefeatable mercenary with Lightning shooting all over the walls and ceiling. Also, the shot of the flaming roof panel falling behind Lightning to solidify that escape route being off limits just makes it cooler. (Even though that route was never an option, it gives them feeling of him closing in more).

The ending sequence has got much worth mentioning; it is cool to see the crew finally escape Lopan’s epic lair and Egg Shen once again uses his magic crystals to blow a group of security guards 20 ft in the air (which I thought was pretty fucking bad ass).

There is an alternate ending to the movie which can be found on the Blu-ray. (Click image at top).

The alternate ending is pretty funny but I think the choice Carpenter made works a little better.

If you guys have any comments enter them below because I will quite gladly debate this movie being awesome until the end of time (even though it got a lot of hate–and it’s $20 million budget didn’t get much of a box office return, although I am sure the VHS, DVD, Blu-ray and merchandise sales made up for it).

My Critical Score: 7.1/10

My Personal Score: 9.9/10

Get it on Blu-ray: http://bit.ly/1FdpJJu

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Announcement: Fox is planning a Big Trouble in Little China sequel (not remake). I am extremely glad they’re planning a follow on story instead of a remake. Good decision. I doubt it’ll have the epicness of the original but I am eager to see it–and if they get some of the old cast back we could be in for something special. No director has been announced but John Carpenter would be deserving and it would give it that little bit more magic.

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