Shia LaBeouf Cast as Pinhead in Hellraiser Reboot

After the recent controversy surrounding Hellraiser: Judgement, a reboot has been announced for 2017, with original Hellraiser director and author of The Hellbound Heart Clive Barker selling off all rights he still held to the franchise, allowing this new film to come to fruition. The new film is set to be a total departure from previous movies in the long running series, with a lighter tone, more box-office friendly Pg-13 Rating, and even a musical number sung by the Cenobites, with Pinhead himself having a tenor voice.

“You know, I wasn’t sure if I should give it up at first,” said Barker, “but there’s been a condo I’ve had my eyes on for a couple months now so I figured, why not? After they released Hellworld the franchise was fucked anyway.”

    Not returning is Doug Bradley, the famed thespian who has played Pinhead in numerous Hellraiser films. In his place will be cast Shia Lebeouf, who will reportedly give his entire performance with a paper bag over his head to help preserve his integrity.

    Labeouf declinded to comment on his casting, with his publicist Clarence Thomas declaring the newly defamed actor “busy preparing for the role.” Hammering and loud screams could be heard in the background as Thomas coughed loudly, trying to obscure the obvious sounds of torture emitted over the phone line.

      In the directors chair sit’s the famed artist behind Postal and Alone in the Dark, film master Uwe Boll. Executive producers Adam Sandler, Michael Bay, and Billy Ray Cyrus said that Boll was “the obvious choice.”

    “With a long history of work in the horror and fantasy field, we believe Uwe has the skillset necessary to make a truly horrible film.” said Sandler. When asked if he instead meant horrifying film, Sandler shrugged his shoulders and retreated to his trailer. Attempts to contact producer Michael Bay failed, as the director of Transformers and The Rock ignored all questions, instead choosing to smash two model trains together while making “Pew-Pew” sounds.

        When asked about whether he believed he had the qualifications to helm a Hellraiser movie Boll swore loudly and hung up the phone. He later released a rant on YouTube consisting of German curse words and insults against entertainment journalist’s mothers. Boll also challenged famed film critic Roger Ebert to a boxing match, keeping his proposal open even after being told the Pulitzer Prize winning writer was deceased. Declaring death as a poor excuse to avoid a fight, he declared Ebert as “Vat pansy ass Mutder-fukker!”

      The new Hellraiser, tentatively titled Goddamnit Another One? will be released April 1rst 2017.

UPDATE:

     Recent onset pictures of Shia Lebeouf in full makeup have leaked, along with several graphic close up shots of Lebeouf’s genitalia. While attesting to being the victim of a phone hack, Lebeouf failed to explain why he was standing outside the TCL Chinese Theater handing out Polaroid photos of his penis.

  Jeff is a Writer for The Blood Shed and eats, drinks, and Bleeds Horror. You can email him hurtful comments at Headoasp@gmail.com