The Killer’s Toolshed: Top 6 Horror Movie Weapons

So if you’re like me (& I’m sure you are), you like it when people get torn up, squished, shot, decapitated, blown apart, severed, & maimed…you know, in movies. Not in real life…well, I never saw anyone get torn up in real life, so I don’t know if I’d like it. Maybe if I did see it, it would awaken something inside of me, &…well, that’s neither here nor there, my friends! Ha ha…heh…eh. Anyway, the point is, in a lot of the horror movies we watch, people get killed. Now, there are some staple weapons to the horror genre, & it’s about time someone put a list detailing the main ones & saying why they are great/awesome/terrifying when you’re on the wrong end of them. While I’m sure this has been done before, I’m going to pretend it hasn’t so I feel great about myself. Raid your tool shed, because we’re going headfirst into that cabin where those naughty teens are doing dope & having the sex & what not!

Chainsaw

Oh Yes! Starting off with a classic! The chainsaw has been used in many a horror movie, including but not limited to Friday the 13^th Part V: A New Beginning, Phantasm II, Dead & Breakfast, &…damn, what’s the name of that one movie…Kentucky Buzzsaw Massacre or something like that. The one with that one guy, Featherface or something…oh well. Point is, whenever the revving of a chainsaw is heard, you know it’s about to go down. The bladed chain going round & round, the screaming when the wielder thrusts it into some poor sap’s stomach; oh yes, that’s the good stuff!

I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of this thing! Looks painful! Hearing a killer follow you around with this power tool must be one of the scariest things to experience…chasing someone with one though…that’s a whole different story.

Machete

Simple, yet effective! This blade of death has been used by such greats as Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13^th), Blades (Tom Savini’s character from Dawn of the Dead), & just recently the “Headless Killer” (from the amazing new flick Headless). Just something about machetes, you know? Maybe it’s because they’re basically mini-swords, or they just look like they feel good in the hand. Whatever it is, this is a tool of destruction that’s not going to leave any time soon!

It’s not as intimidating as the chainsaw, however, that’s like saying a rattlesnake isn’t as intimidating as a crocodile. If I saw someone coming after me with a machete, I’d run away just as fast!

Shotgun

Clik-Clak! Bam! That’s…that’s the sound a shotgun makes…yeah, anyway, I know what you’re thinking. What?! A gun on this list! No way! Hear me out…shotguns have been in a lot of horror movies. The Evil Dead (all of them), Friday the 13^th (parts VI & X respectively), Dawn of the Dead (both the original & the remake), Maniac (the original), etc. See, they’ve been everywhere, & for good reason! The shotgun is probably the deadliest weapon on this list because they are so powerful. It fires a spray of pellets that can go through flesh like butter, & leaves real nasty wounds…which is what makes it awesome.

Seeing what it does to Deadite & zombie skulls, you can probably guess that you want to be the one holding this beast than the one being shot at. This is the case especially in the middle of a zombie outbreak or demon infestation. Remember! Shop smart, shop S-mart!

Axe

Ah…how can we forget this beauty? Axes have had numerous uses throughout history, from chopping woods to lopping off heads. It’s only natural that this heavy hitter made its way into the horror medium. I know what movie you’re thinking when you see this baby…Friday the 13^th Part 3, right? That’s a good flick, but in my opinion, I believe the weapon was more prominent in a lesser-known film called…what was it again, I’m trying to remember…oh yeah, The Shining! That’s it! Although the body count was extremely low, it makes up for it with the fact that Jack Nicholson is absolutely terrifying when running around with an axe. That being said, I’m not a huge fan of the movie…the book was better.

Having actually used an axe to chop helpless logs into smaller, more helpless logs, I can say that using an axe is empowering. If those bits of wood I hacked in to are any indication, then being hit by an axe is less empowering, if not at all so.

Butcher’s Knife

Halloween…that’s the movie I’m thinking about, that’s the movie you’re thinking about, that’s the movie the knife is thinking about. As soon as you see this thing, you’re mind jumps straight to cold, bloody hands of Michael Myers. It doesn’t matter how many other flicks use a butcher’s knife as its main weapon, Myers is the one stuck in your head. You might think of Norman Bates (Psycho) for a sec, but then it’ll be Myers. He’s the master of this piece of sharpened metal, & quite honestly, I’m okay with that. His look is so iconic, that it just seems right. Anyone else using this death bringer is just imitating the best, enough said.

I don’t know about you, but having someone continuously jab into my chest with what’s essentially a flat spike does not bode too well with me. Surprising, I know! Just doesn’t seem like my idea of a good time!

Bare Hands

Last, but not least, is probably the most used weapon by any slasher, hero, or monster in a horror film…their own bare hands. Punching, straggling, slapping, grabbing, gouging, scratching, crushing, ripping, tearing; these babies can do it all. Whether it’s Michael Myers bear hugging someone until their back breaks or Jason Voorhees literally punching someone’s head off (the only good part of Friday the 13^th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan), it proves to be more than effective time & time again! They’re easy to find (look down at the ends of your arms), easy to use (been mastering them since birth), & most people have two of them (sorry guy from I Still Know What You Did Last Summer). If it wasn’t for the need of body strength to really do anything with them, they’d be the perfect weapon!

I’ve been punched before. I can’t really believe it either, I’m such a likable guy (Ha ha!). From the experience, I can tell you that it sucks. I can only imagine how much it blows have your head crushed between two palms ala Friday the 13^th Part 3 style. Personally, I don’t want to find out!

Well, there you have it! The top six weapons used in horror films! Will I do another detailing even more instruments of bloody fun? I don’t know, maybe. Depends how I’m feeling. Until next time, friends!