Horror gets shit on a lot by mainstream critics, often being called a “lesser” genre compared to dramas, biopics, and the like. This is of course, a position I whole wholeheartedly disagree with, but damn if horror doesn’t have some shitty ass creatures. We’ve already covered one list of the ugliest, stupidest, and most flat out dumbass monsters in horror history, but truth be told, there are enough ridiculous ghouls out there to fill a hundred entries; the least we could do is give you six more.
6. The Gingerdead Man- The Gingerdead Man
The Gingerdead Man might be portrayed by an Academy Award nominated actor, but he sure isn’t any Hannibal Lector, and Garey Busey sure isn’t any Sir Anthony Hopkins. The one-two punch of a serious motorcycle accident and enough drugs to down a elephant had done their damage at this point in Busey’s career, and The Gingerdead Man is a train wreck of epic proportions.
Following the antics of a killer gingerbread man, baked from the ashes of a serial killer, it was immediately followed by 2 sequels where the evil cookie becomes Jesus and travels back in time because why the fuck not? FullMoon has never exactly been known for its tastefulness. To be honest this is actually a pretty fun movie, but the central concept is about as ridiculous as they come.
5. Death Bed- Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
This is a weird, trippy little movie I saw quite a while ago, but here’s the basic plot to the best of my recollection: A long ass fuckin’ time ago, a demon fell for a really smoking hot chick, and fucked her on his special demon bed. The Demon must have been a really, really good lay, or a really bad one, because the smoking hot chick dies half way through. The demon then acted like a little bitch and cried his eyes out, bringing the bed to life, where it promptly began eating people. Despite the massive amount of disappearances, the chance for a good pork must just be to much to give up, because couples keep having sex on the demon bed and getting eaten.
As stupid as all of that just sounded, too Death Bed’s credit,it’s actually pretty good at eating people, mainly because THEY WON”T STOP FUCKING ON IT. Jesus guys, I know the couch is uncomfortable, but it has the considerable advantage of NOT TRYING TO EAT YOU DURING SEX. The teenagers in Friday the 13th had more sense than these idiots.
4. Torgo- Manos: The Hands of Fate
Man, I don’t even know where to fucking begin with this guy. From the infamously un-watchable Manos: The Hands of Fate, Torgo defies description. A servant of “The Master” with a monotone voice and inexplicably bulgy knees, Torgo is supposed to be a Satyr (or goat person), although little is done to portray him as such. The famous knees were actually the result of actor John Reynolds accidentally wearing his metallic braces backwards, making him look nothing like a Satyr and more like a man with oddly shaped legs who has trouble walking straight. The device caused Reynolds chronic pain, leading him to self medicate with a wide variety of drugs.
So basically what you got here is a higher than a kite “Satyr” running around on busted kneecaps, whacking people with a Gandalf staff, and moaning endlessly on about his insane, womanizing master. If that’s not dumbass I don’t known what is.
3. Killer Elevator- The Lift
Ok, so I’ve only seen bits and pieces of this movie, but I believe its enough to make a judgement. Elevators actually can fuck your shit up pretty badly if you let them, but the key phrase here is “if you let them.” Jesus America, I know were a country of fat asses, but doesn’t taking the stairs beat getting your damn head sliced off? Well, maybe not for some people.
For folks who don’t think Fried Twinkies are their own food group, the Killer Elevator is of pretty minimal risk. Any monster that can be defeated by an “out of order” sign is going to have a tough time being scary.
2. The Invisible Man- The Invisible Man
I might get some crap for this one, but I’m going to stick by my opinion. Out of all the classic monsters, Dr. Jack Griffin A.K.A The Invisible Man is by far the most dumbass. He’s not a particularly deadly foe; other than the before mentioned invisibility, he’s just a an average dude, albeit a genius and evil one. But the real nail in the coffin for the bad doctor is that his powers are only skin deep. In order to take advantage of his invisibility he has to go balls naked.
There’s all kinds of disadvantages for having to go everywhere in the nude. Ever tried climbing a barbed wire fence barefoot with your private bits flopping out? Not a fun experience. While the idea of an invisible pervert running around naked is pretty frightening, I’m not sure that’s what the filmmakers were going for. A fun and classic film for sure, The Invisible Man is still more than a wee bit silly.
1. Plants/The Wind- The Happening
And here we have it folks, perhaps the most infamously awful horror film of the 21st century, and among the most dumbass stories ever told. The basic premise of The Happening is that humans are fucking up the Earth, Mother Nature is pissed, and plants are releasing a neuro-toxin making everyone off themselves in creative ways. On it’s own, this synopsis might not sound TOO BAD, but that’s just because you haven’t seen it in context with The Happening. You see, the big baddie isn’t just the plants shooting out the toxin but an evil far more perverse.
“I have become Death, destroyer of worlds.”
That’s right folks, the big monster of The Happening is THE MOTHERFUCKING WIND. Watching long shots of slowly blowing leaves and gently swaying grass prairies is just not scary. The very idea that it would be scary is a showcase of a director detached from reality. I mean wind? Fucking wind? Hurricanes, tornadoes, ok you could probably do something with that, but the idea of people running terrified from a gentle breeze is maybe the most dumbass thing I’ve ever heard ,and this is in an era where Kanye West named his kid North and Donald Trump is running for president. I’ll tell you one thing though; I’d rather have Torgo’s leg braces permanently grafted to my kneecaps than watch this goddamn movie again.
Jeff is a writer for The Bloodshed and eats, drinks, and bleeds horror. You can help him write his first book here.
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