Top 6 Most Dumbass Monsters In Horror History: Part 3

The Third Round of Dumbassery Commences

Well here we fucking go again guys. Despite posting two of these bitchy-ass lists before (which you can view here and here), it seems like the stream of stupid, ugly, and flat-out fucking ridiculous creatures will never stop, something like a flash flood of shit against the dam of quality horror. So get your ass on a toilet, grab a roll of extra-ply toilet paper, and prepare your anus, because were diving head first down the outhouse. And without further to due, here are the top six most dumbass monsters in horror history for the 3rd goddamn time. All of you had better fucking thank me for this.

6. Chucky- Child’s Play

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       You could put just about any demon doll in this place, but I decided to go with Chucky because A: He’s the most well known and widely feared and B: He has a stupid fucking haircut. Honestly, I’ve always been a little amazed just how many people weren’t just scared by this ginger toy, but fucking terrified of him. Why? Sure, he has a bad attitude and a knife, but c’mon, the little bugger is two feet tall; you could pick Chucky up and punt his ass out a window if you were so inclined.

          I’ve always thought the more comedy based Bride and Seed of Chucky do the character more justice than the original Child’s Play. Chucky is a fun monster, and he’s definitely creepy looking, don’t get me wrong, but it’s absolutely dumbass to be scared of a monster with the reach only slightly longer than your average toddler. Hey, speaking of toddlers….

5. The Infant- It’s Alive

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       And here we have a film that truly scratches the bottom of the baby carriage. While there’s some skeezy fun to be had in It’s Alive, there’s no denying The Infant is a pretty ridiculous idea for a monster. I mean, babies are probably the least dangerous things imaginable, especially newborns. If the little bastards can’t even hold their head up, how the hell are they supposed to go on a killing rampage?

        That’s not to say babies can’t be terrifying; projectile vomit and diarrhea bombs have brought down mightier men then me. But calling them deadly is stretching it past the breaking point. And the design of this terrible tot isn’t doing him any favors; it’s hard to be scary when you look like a miniature, roided up Bruce Willis, in desperate need of a manicure.

4. The Leprechaun- Leprechaun 

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       While The Leprechaun film series will always hold a special place in my heart as the absolute Kings of Not Giving a Single F**k, their an absolutely awful bunch of movies. The original film is actually not as horrible as you might imagine; its in all honesties, just a fairly average shitty monster movie, albeit slightly elevated by an insane looking Warwick Davis in a little green suit. The Leprechaun himself is pretty fucking goofy and not even remotely scary – you try to look intimidating hopping around on a pogo stick and spouting limericks – but he doesn’t reach peak levels of dumbassery until the sequels.

            The Irish Imp has racks up quite the travel log as the series goes on venturing to Los Angeles, Las Vegas, “the hood” (twice!) and motherfucking space. Yeah that’s right, we live in a world where we can’t have a Dredd 2, but someone spent $1.6 Million on making Leprechaun 4: In Space. Buts it’s actually not as bad as you might at first think given the ridiculous premise. It’s worse.

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        If the makers of this travesty had one dollar for every fuck they gave while making it, not only would they come out dead broke, but the bank would be in the process of foreclosing their barn. But believe it or not, the recent WWE produced remake (if there’s a surer sign of shittiness than that, I don’t know what it is) is even worse. This is a franchise that’s just been in one drunken Irish bar fight to many.

3. The Mangler- The Mangler

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                A Tobe Hooper film starring Robert Englund, and based on a story by Stephen King; sounds like a horror fans wet dream right? Alas all the horror nerd credit in the world wasn’t worth jack diddly shit, as the powers at be decided to waste all this talent on what has to be one of the stupidest fucking ideas ever concocted; a demon possessed washing machine. A GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING WASHING MACHINE!

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Now I Am Become Death Destroyer of Worlds

    While The Mangler seems pretty easy to denounce at face value, in the spirit of ethical journalism, I’ll try and look at both sides of the issue. In all fairness, the idea of getting sucked into and squashed by a machine designed to press dress shirts is pretty horrifying. Getting crushed to death is one of the more painful ways to go, and the way that The Mangler dispatches it’s victims is slow and nasty. But, and I can’t reiterate this enough, its A GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING WASHING MACHINE!

   You know how you avoid getting murdered by this thing? Don’t fucking wash your clothes in it; hell don’t even go in the same room as it, don’t even go into the fucking laundromat. Wash your clothes at home, wash them at a friends house, or just spray some Fabreze on that shit, anything to avoid using the Washing Machine that keeps eating people. You’d think after the first time some asshole gets sucked in, or at a minimum the second, someone would unplug this fucking thing, but horror movies have never exactly been known for their logical progression of ideas. Look I love Stephen King, but when he wrote this shit he was snorting one kilo of cocaine to many.

2. The Human Centipede- The Human Centipede

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             A one joke premise stretched over three films, over five hours, and countless mouthfuls of shit, The Human Centipede is as revolting as it is illogical. Any horror fan worth his salt knows the premise of these movies by now; a number of strangers/prisoners are kidnapped, tortured, and stitched mouth to asshole. As far as perilous punishments go in horror movies, few are as dire as the hand dealt these poor motherfuckers here.

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     That being said, how the hell a Human Centipede supposed to be deadly? One of its biggest problem is mobility. With its tendons cut, the Centipede is only capable of crawling, and slowly at that. And if it want’s to move, all three segments have to work and communicate effectively together, which is pretty fucking hard since two of them, have their mouths stitched to an asshole.

      And beyond that, how the fuck would it even survive? While eating poop isn’t necessarily deadly on it’s own, shit is by no means a nutritious meal. By the time the crappy meal has made its way to the last person in the Pede, it wouldn’t be of even close to enough substance to survive off of.  So sorry for all of you Coprophagia fans out there; hey, theres always Salò.

1. Langoliers- The Langoliers
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        Why hello again Stephen King! While The Langolier’s is actually one of the Master of Horror’s more inspired stories, the 1995 TV movie quite possibly ranks as the single worst adaptation I’ve ever seen. To try and make an overly complicated story simple, the Langoliers are essentially monsters that eat the past and keep the present moving forwards. It’s more interesting than it sounds, and King’s original novella is actually a pretty decent read. But in the television mini series… dear Jesus just look at these fucking things. Look at them!
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   Oh my fucking god, what the hell are they? The best I can come up with is bear testicles with chainsaw teeth, but your guess is as good as mine. The unique “honor” the Langoliers have is that their concept is actually not half bad; but their execution is just about as dumbass as physically possible. Hell, get me a can of spray paint and a hundred dollar gorilla suit and I’ll whip up a better monster than the cgi meatballs shown here. This has to be the shittiest adaptation of Stephen King’s work ever made, and that’s saying something.
    Jeff is a writer for The Blood Shed who eats, drinks, and bleeds horror.  He’s also the President of Head On A Stick Productions. You can bitch to him at headoasp@gmail.com
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